‘I’ve been a very bad girl,’ she said, biting her lip. ‘I need to be punished.’
‘Very well,’ he said and installed Windows 10 on her laptop.
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
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doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.