[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
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My neck my back my allergy attack
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
This has made my week.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.