Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.

8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?

Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?

8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.

Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?

8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.

You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.

WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS

I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years

If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you

“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.

Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*

Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*

Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*

I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed

Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”

Me, “Continue?”

The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.

Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.

I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.

doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry

bigfoot: weird

me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”

I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.

Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!

Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.

The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.

Sean’s gf: I feel seen

Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that

Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.

At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days

Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”

Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.

Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.

Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.

I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.

Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.

the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat