[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
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The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
I went to wash my teens clothes at a beach trip.
His backpack was full of alcohol. Almost no clothes.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Local community Facebook groups are like:
“Anyone know what day is garden waste collection?”
↪️ “Ours is Friday but I don’t live anywhere near you”
↪️ “Friday is my daughter Lesley’s birthday.”