Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?

Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-

Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?

I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.

Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”

daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?

“I dunno, time travel”

time travel isn’t real

“neither is Santa, go to bed”

*middle of a 6 hour road trip,

One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”

Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple

Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back

Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.

I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded

Me: Air

Her: Tornado

Me: …

Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.

The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.

r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice

Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that

Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.

If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.

Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident

Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him

Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.

saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me

i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul

Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.

Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.

Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO

PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?

*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*

Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists

The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.

This bar smells like my childhood.

Thursday, 4:01pm

“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”

Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times

I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.