Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa

Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.

Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.

Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.

I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.

*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”

What do you call a man with no car???

…an Uber.

[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]

Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?

Me: I’m up.

My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.

I…do not understand how electricity works.

Me: I’m a solid eight

Friend: Wow. Out of ten?

Me: What lol god no

[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me

Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.

Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.

JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all

GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this

CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*

WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door

ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?

I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.

[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit

[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit

MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*

ME: that supposed to intimidate me?

*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*

ME: k I’m scared but thats rad

Dude just wanted a popsicle…

I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.

This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!

If my kids invented a drink.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because you like me

Cop: omg shut up I do not

I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.

Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”

Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are

I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.

Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played

Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!