[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
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Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,
“You’re making a big moose steak.”
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.