Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?

[alternate universe]

teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes

student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today

doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live

me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure

doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure

In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.

Me: cute infant you have there

Mary: thanks

Me: so tender and mild

Mary: …w-what

Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No

He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go

[commercial]

“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”

narrator: Narrators

me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat

my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago

TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family

Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.

Me: I’m paying cash.

Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?

We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.

878 dead bodies lay there.

Liam Nesson “Are we done?”

Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”

Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.

[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”

Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.

A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.

It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married

my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.

ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.

HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.

Nobody invites me to spa day…

Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.

Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella

Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being

Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*

My gynecologist: can you not?

Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.

Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.

5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?

Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Mom?

New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!

Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!

major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already

roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do