[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
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Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
brian had himself a morning…
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.