Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.

i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/

While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”

Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.

Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?

Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.

Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.

If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.

All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…

If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.

Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job

putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.

Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice

[ brings ouija board to your grave ]

“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”

[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]

DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?

HER: Yes

DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix

I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.

If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed

I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.

Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again

date: i think i’m going to leave.

me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.

[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]

Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.

I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.

Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth

You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.

“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.

If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.

[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?

Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.

“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist

The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.