[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
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Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.
How to have a good marriage:
1. Hold hands
2. Cuddle
3. Take out the trash like I have been telling you to do ALL DAY Craig
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day
Opens the bottle of hot sauce
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?