Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.

I believe I can flyyy.

I believe I can touch the skyyy.

I believe I was mistaaaken.

I believe I’m faaalling.

I believe I’m gonna diiiie.

dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕

Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏

It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.

Son: But I’m not hungry!

Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!

Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.

ME: my mouth is all itchy

HER: were you in the attic again?

ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?

HER: I’ll speed dial poison control

Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”

You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner

My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.

I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”

My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan

My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.

Just bought a universal remote control.

…I really wish, this changes everything..

What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?

Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.

I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.

Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?

Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.

Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.

Establish dominance by retweeting subtweets you know are about you.

Humans were not meant to have this many passwords

My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.

a friendship and a fart have a lot in common, both have the potential to turn into something bigger

mugger: GIMME UR MONEY

“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”

[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME

Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes

wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?

me: with… with your glasses.

me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do

COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.

ME: *sends resume*

COMPANY: *no response*

I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.

People say “Home is where the heart is”.

Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.

Idiots.