*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
You Might Also Like
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
My friend is an excellent librarian.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.