Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon

Doctor: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”

Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)

Friend: I said be selfish.

Me dressed as a clam: Oh

Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.

If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.

Okay so I need to find and purchase this book

There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???

wife: what r u doing

me: shredding my birth certificate

wife: why

me: *starts disappearing* it’s working

Her: See ya later alligator!

Me: *slithers into swamp*

Genie: You get one wish.

Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.

Genie: Done. *vanishes*

*Checks phone*

Genie is now following you.

Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack

Anakin: you underestimate my power

Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*

Sometimes I wish I spoke seagull. There’s a bunch of them on the roof & one of them has clearly cracked the joke of the year because the rest are all laughing their heads off

Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose

Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.

Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad

*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*

Me: h-how are you smoking??

My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.

Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.

Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.

5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers

i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game

There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.

She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.

My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation

If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.

Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor

Netflix: Should I play this movie?

Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second

Netflix: I’ll put it on

Me: I’m just literally reading what it is

Netflix: It’s playing 🙂

As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.

*Middle of dinner*

My kid: Can I have a snack?

Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time