Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.

i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?

I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.

bert: i want a divorce

wife: are u…

bert: don’t

wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?

As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.

Nobody:

5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?

I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…

But all they sent me was her underwear.

I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.

The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.

5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.

Apparently I am the fly.

I heard there was a secret cord
You plug it in and you meet the Lord

The only time I’ll care about Basketball:

Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.

It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day

Opens the bottle of hot sauce

Me: *explains idea*

Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever

Me:*clears throat*

*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*

Boss: Brilliant!

WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.

[later at the dinner party]

ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?

[playing 7 minutes in heaven]

doctor: ok lol plug him back in now

This is I, Robot all over again

This guy must be getting annoyed by now

there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get

Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.

Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”

me: my boss is working me to the bone

my dog: hell yeah

When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”

I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid

Anyway, thought of you

Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.

“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]

Coworker: What’s twitter like?

Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.