Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

incredible book dedication

amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming

Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’

date: you look nice

me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate

My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.

a group of crows is a murder

a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder

Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.

Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.

“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”

Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.

Let’s name him something that will make children smile

“How about Santa?”

Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him

My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.

Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.

Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.

The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking

If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.

You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn

Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake

I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.

Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.

I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.

*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??

I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.

Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?

Me: Sure.

Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.

*is taken back to a Christmas Eve in my 20s*

Me: Oh, wow! Look how skinny I am! Look at my flat belly before having my kids! Look how well rested I am! Look at…

Ghost of Christmas Past: *sighs* That’s not what the point of this is

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.

Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣

Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.