Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides

the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star

Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection

[doing a crossword]

friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony

me: baby horse

friend: no like fake

me: unicorn jr

Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?

My Boss: This is inappropriate

Me: Your skin is so…

My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!

Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.

Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.

Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!

a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke

If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.

PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours

Sloth: Uh oh

Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145

If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:

1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”

They inhale deeply…

Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.

Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.

*starts crying*

What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?

*gives up being Catholic for Lent*

God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole

me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date

[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love

[the next day]

coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*

me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*

Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.

nobody:
ppl with clear cases:

I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian

girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??

*first day as a lawyer*

Bailiff: All rise for the judge.

Me: *too lazy* Objection.

Him: Are you free later?

Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.

My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.

I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one

I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?

Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.

[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most