Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites

man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot

me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake

man: and her body has been stolen

me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take

man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin

me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake

check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad

Our dachshund swallowed a slinky. You should see him going down the stairs.

How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?

“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.

Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen

a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)

why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?

ME: What’s the capital of Germany?

SON: G

ME: So college is a no then?!

My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long

Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long

My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.

😂

Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”

I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.

the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”

logging onto twitter…

1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows

It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.

well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem

ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,

THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.

ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.

THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY

BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.

[1907. the first convenience store opens]

GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn

What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.

doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking

Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.

Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.

Wife:

Marriage counselor:

Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.

I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.

The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.

Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”

Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!