*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
San Francisco has too many rules
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
