Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right

Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?

After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.

I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong

One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous

Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.

The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music

Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.

Ominous sub-editing fail of the day

Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…

It was the bathroom…but still…

INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?

My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.

Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit

[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?

STUDENT: great, I grew a foot

TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?

her: what are you watching?

me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy

her:

me:

her: are you describing sh—

me: yeah it’s shrek again

I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.

RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.

Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?

Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.

Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood

If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.

Him: These candles are so romantic!

Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.

Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..

but if you do, get the dental work first.

A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is

Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me

Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER

ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.

*cut to confessional camera*

ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.

It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.

I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.

I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.

My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.