[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
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Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Nonmaterial gift ideas:
An experience
A home cooked meal
Offer to destroy one of their enemies
Clean their house
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
They should make a movie where Hannibal becomes giant and is eating everyone. Then he watches the Ring tape on a giant screen and Sadako comes out and is huge and they fight
Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends