Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure

“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”

– my 2 year old

Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.

I wish all tests were things you peed on

My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.

Cop: Could I have your name?

Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.

*Send Bail Money*

The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6

[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there

Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.

In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.

Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.

Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.

An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.

Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.

me when i see my girls butt

In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.

yeah…. right…

5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?

Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.

5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.

12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-

me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?

My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”

I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.

[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here

my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.

Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.

In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space

and they’ll shift gears to go faster.

in space.

Label: Non-habit forming

Me: Challenge accepted

Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.

Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.

this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*

me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.

also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*