Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.

medusa: look into my gaze

me:

dwayne johnson: did it do anything?

I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.

People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.

On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.

When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.

Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?

*Whirls Around*

Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!

My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.

Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!

Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?

I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.

*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.

“Help yourself!”

– people who don’t want to help you

Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?

Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does

What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet.

boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ

Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.

Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.

I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.

Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”

The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.

nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black

[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]

People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?

grandparents are too precious for this world

i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body

Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute

I made some fish tacos last night.

the ingrates just ignored them and swam away

Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.