[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
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he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
それは草
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers