Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.

My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic

I would wear Nike but I’m not a “Just do it” kinda guy. I’m more of a “Meh, I don’t wanna” kinda guy… so I wear Sketchers

What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?

Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.

Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.

GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”

BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”

Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.

[Mom group]

New mom: My six-month-old is teething.

My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.

when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting

My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.

If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?

My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.

I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.

WIFE: That won’t work

ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?

Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.

I really hate when people derail normal tweets with their own upsetting lore. You’ll be like “it’s great when grandparents are active in kids’ lives” and someone is like “well ok but my grandmother literally went to jail for killing my parents and is currently on the loose??”

I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib

Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.

Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.

Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.

me: I’ll take this goth pear

cashier: that’s an avocado

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.

My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.

About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.

I am ashamed of the scream I made.

Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room

School be like

Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.

[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed