*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
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[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
This probably isn’t good
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
I’ve had poops that lasted longer than the tiktok ban
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.