Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.

My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing it

I have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him

This is motherhood

This is my pinned tweet

Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.

6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’

4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’

My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.

[robbing Whole Foods]

“All the cash in a bag NOW!”

100% organic reusable bag ok?

“Yes!”

[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag

Genie: what is your first wish

Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please

G: I’m a genie not a witch

Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.

I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.

“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig

Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”

It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning

Take 9 seconds. Be this happy

I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”

this is what they would have looked like, though

I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.

Milk Cube

I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?

Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT

Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.

When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying

a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.

How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto

Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!

Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?

Random person who answered the phone: Yes.

Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?

idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.

Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”

Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019

Choose your fighter!