Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step

HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?

ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend

HIM: what?

ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low

HIM: what did you say?

ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂

As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.

Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.

Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.

power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention

I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.

I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice

40-26-36.

My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.

Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.

Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.

I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….

That makes 7,427 days in a row.

I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.

Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design

Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.

Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place

Me: Can I leave early today?

Boss: No.

Me: Can you leave early then?

Boss: What?

Me: What?

Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine

After how many years should you clean your microwave?

Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?

I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life

The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.

For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.

Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar

Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.

I triple dog dare you to paint my shutters and stain my front porch for me.

This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad

Priest: You May now kiss the bride.

Goth couple: *scowls*

Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.

me: a weirdo broke into my house

cop: are you positive it was a weirdo

me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me

Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”