[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
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If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you