[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
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[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.
Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Yes my dude
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Found out I can’t run the air fryer, toaster, and microwave at the same time, but on the plus side I’m pretty sure I took a screenshot of the kitchen
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song