I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
You Might Also Like
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
look at me when i’m typing to you
#catsoftwitter
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-