Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.

I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.

[waking up after a night of drinking]

Age 21: did i make out with someone

Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog

Me: Just call me loaded fries!

Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉

Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.

The Joker was right

Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car

Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second

ME: what’s wrong

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence

“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”

[God making spaghetti]

ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?

GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.

If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?

Hub: When was your first kiss

Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks

Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent

Me: I hate you

[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!

If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.

No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.

We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.

one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life

doctor: whats the problem?

me: my right leg is missing

doctor: no problemo

me:

doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg

me: my left leg is missing now

doctor: no problemo

#oldknees

[algebra class]

KID: This is so stupid

TEACHER: You may need it in your job

KID: What job?

TEACHER: …

KID: …

TEACHER: Algebra teacher?

*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.

I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.

In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.

“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”

Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.

I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.

“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.