Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.

You’re like a first job.

No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.

Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.

…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.

On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.

Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.

Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.

Finn was her brother.

Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.

When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends

Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.

Who hurt you?

I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.

professor: there are no stupid questions

me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big

professor:

me:

professor: there is one stupid question

garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake

11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.

Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”

Trinity: but why though

Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”

cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please

my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh

The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”

We are all that mom.

Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.

DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news

SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time

“Bob is coming over for dinner.”

Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?

*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*

Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.

[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.

Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*

i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.

me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over

box of plastic wrap:

Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol

there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it

ME: people only use 10% of their brains

FRIEND: that’s an urban legend

ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm

[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?

Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?

Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer

Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick

As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.

*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*

Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god

“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”

Walmart say they accept competitor’s coupons, but they rejected me when I tried to use one for a foot rub my wife gave me on my birthday