Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sure, why not

Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.

Nobody:

My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?

Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work

I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet

My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.

Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?

Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!

Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.

You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”

That’s discrimination.

i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash

Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂

goals for 2016:

1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion

My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy

Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.

A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.

How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?

angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?

God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise

Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes

[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]

Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton

Mob boss: Him too

if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off

All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missing

You’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus

my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.

Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?

Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.

To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.

when mom throws a party…

I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’

Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!

I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.

CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.

Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…

He brews.

I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long