Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.

Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!

* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *

3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it

Netflix: are you still watching

Alexa: yeah he’s here

Me: 😳

What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??

coming home late…

Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?

The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.

That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.

There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.

*At the ouija board*

Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…

Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G

I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.

Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over

My boyfriend has the body of a god!

Or the body of God.

Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.

What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.

Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.

Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?

She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now

I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.

carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled

ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimme

wikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO

Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.

“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.

I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.

Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.

[Office Supply Store]

Me: *getting toner*

Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.

[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.

Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.

Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again

I didn’t want to brag but the vending machine at work gave me two pouches of beef jerky today when I only paid for one

Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice

Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.

A comma is just a period with a mullet.

Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan

It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”

That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.