[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*

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“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.


[meeting with boss]

“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”



Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-


cave of wonders: only one may enter here

aladdin: abu has to wait outside?

cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count

abu: *steals*

cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT


Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber


VALENTINE’S DAY PLAN: Go to the homes of all couples who Instagram pictures of fancy restaurants and rob them while they’re eating dinner.


[Julius Caesar being murdered]

“Just please don’t name a salad after me.”


I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.


My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”


What’s a drug lord woman called?

A drug lady?

A heroin heroine?!