@fro_vo

[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*

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@Laser_Cat

“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.

@mjkspeaks

[meeting with boss]

“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”

“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”

@roxiqt

Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-

@IndecisiveJones

cave of wonders: only one may enter here

aladdin: abu has to wait outside?

cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count

abu: *steals*

cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT

@MsCassieDaniels

Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber

@jwoodham

VALENTINE’S DAY PLAN: Go to the homes of all couples who Instagram pictures of fancy restaurants and rob them while they’re eating dinner.

@delusions_of

[Julius Caesar being murdered]

“Just please don’t name a salad after me.”

@Social_Mime

I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.

@amydillon

My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”

@marcia_bee

What’s a drug lord woman called?

A drug lady?

A heroin heroine?!