[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
You Might Also Like
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Butt weight. There’s more!
This is painfully accurate 😅
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?