Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard

I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.

puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality

Sign of the day..

Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?

Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.

Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.

The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.

I never picked my nose. I was born with it.

Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.

Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.

All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend

My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude

woke up on the wrong side of the jed today

I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time

the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)

Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.

you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic

When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.

The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming

my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing

I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.

6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?

Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart

[college career fair]

Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*

Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.

Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia

Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.

HOST: Make yourself at home!

ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.

[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up

“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”

Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL

Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?