[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
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Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.