[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
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[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
uncle dave has been through hell
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.
WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?
ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.
HER: Get out.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.