Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.

Me: [being murdered]

Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.

My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.

As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.

Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”

I hate elevators, they give me vertigo

I take many steps to avoid them

Today’s weather from Yorkshire

My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.

Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.

Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.

Me: I did not.

Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.

Me: I’m not feeding you.

Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.

British drink offers for guests:

“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”

Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work

Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.

[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”

Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox

Wife: Aw that’s nice

[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich

Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.

TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL

*puts cutlery down*

I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs

Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly

ENTER PASSWORD.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

RESET PASSWORD.

NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.

sets fire to computer

me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.

host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?

Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring?

He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile

#LunchPun

Me: *grimaces, accepts call*

Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!

Me: Meow

Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?

Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.

My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.

*first day as a cop*

What if they arrest me back

Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket

Cop: is that an olive in there?

To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.

Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb

people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog