Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance

“you’re odd”

“you are also odd”

“yes”

“so we’re even”

For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.

I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.

Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”

I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them

Wife: Silent

Me: What’s wrong?

Wife: Nothing

Me: Grabs shield and sword

googling “effect vs affect” in an incognito window

No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.

I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.

“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”

I’ve never met a libra

*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*

My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL

[interviewing babysitter]

me: how much do you charge?

ipad:

Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’

I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’

God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL

My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift

Want to try some vegetable chips? They don’t taste as good as potato chips, but on the plus side, they’re way more expensive.

Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering

Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}

I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together

COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone

TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears

I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.

Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week

Things will get butter, keep churning

What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?

*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*

Okay how about now

When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.

No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.

ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.

Twitter has ruined me.

Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.

ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!

JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.

ME: Again, with the judging.