Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done

*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*

Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow

Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait

My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.

The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.

me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?

priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific

I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.

Cat 911: what’s your emergency

Cat: my human is bleeding to death!

911: stay calm. what happened

Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her

911:

Cat:

911: hahahaha

Cat: hahahaHA

Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA

[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”

Put the is in disheveled

😂🐾

If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.

ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.

FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?

ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.

Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.

I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.

Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two

Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.

Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.

The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.

Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.

if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good

Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.

They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!

-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale

Hold on I just need to take of my glasses and put my face in my hands about it first

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing

I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.

REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:

So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.

*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”