Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable

*during sex

Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?

[Wizard Starbucks]

Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron

Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!

[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?

P: No, there hasn’t.

Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]

ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie

THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?

ME: Oh yeah

So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!

I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.

My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.

I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.

I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world

*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”

Hot singles in your area!

They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.

DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this

hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard

Me: “I’m going to the gym.”

The gym:

[about to have sex]

her: put on this blindfold

me: I think a condom would be safer

My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though

Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”

having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing

me: do you take walk-ins

dude at the crematorium: what

*speed date*

Her: Hi there, my name’s —

Me: Braid my hair.

You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.

Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.

I’ve seen:

•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.

[airport]

GF: I guess this is goodbye

ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes

GF: [crying] Goodbye

ME: [trying real hard] Hello

“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it

I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.

Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”

Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*