[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
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sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Growing out my freckles.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.