Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[orders pizza]

Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?

Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.

accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off

Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.

*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*

MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?

ME: Yep!

HIM: Get out

🤦🏻‍♀️😂😂

jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy

(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*

keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break

I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣

OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.

Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold

My girlfriend: Want me to help?

Me: No I th-

My Girlfriend: Okay

guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse

[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.

Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore

Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you

*Takes one earbud out*

*Hears kids fighting*

*Puts earbud back in*

I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.

Her : You hang up first.

Me : *click*

If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.

Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.

Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.

Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.

date: I think we’ve actually met before

picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces

87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.

Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from women

Post-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon

my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp

Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.

Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY

‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker

Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too