Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”

friend: the bathroom is upstairs

me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*

9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.

Me:

9yo:

Me: Can I go back to sleep now?

To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.

I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.

“I miss my label mates.”

“You’re a recording artist?”

“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”

I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.

2-year-old: Dad?

Me: What?

2: Are chickens real?

Me:

2:

Me: No one knows.

someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol

9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.

Me: Same.

I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.

accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”

I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding

[The shark attack sketch]

Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.

[fin]

[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.

Missionary, so we can keep arguing

Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.

jokes on you i can still tweet in a straitjacket

My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.

I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.

ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…

Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.

My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.

hotel guest: what room am I in?

me: this is the lobby

manager: can I talk to you

I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.

What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”

Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.

Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?

Me: I think we should see other people.

Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”

Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory

Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits

I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.