Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.

“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁

shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once

#have a #great #PancakeDay

FINE, I WON’T.

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: Are you Keith?

Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:

Me: 3 miles today.

Him: On the treadmill?

Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.

Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent

Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc

Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me

I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.

If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.

[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”

Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift

[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.

Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance

“Avocado Kedavra”

-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole

Dear people who think every tweet is a “subtweet” about you,

IT’S NOT.

except for that one from earlier

maybe?

Regards,
Ry

Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”

DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!

my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”

I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.

Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread

Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.

Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.

Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones

Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭

Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.

Batman: We also poop.

CG: We?

B: They. I mean they

[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*

The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.

If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb