Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas

Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible

ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—

FAMILY: We have a JET?!

ME: I meant—

FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?

ME:

FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?

ME: Yes, that is definitely the case

*Creating bees*

God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.

Angel: Sure thing, boss.

God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time

Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.

I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.

I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.

I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat

My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.

We take our lazy seriously around here.

Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.

Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!

Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.

I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.

Twitter basically:

Person: “These socks are itchy.”

Other people:

“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”

“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”

“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”

“First-world foot problems.”

“The real problem is shoes.”

OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!

“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:

5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)

My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.

My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock

I hate it when people call me judgemental

Especially people wearing shoes like that

Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.

“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck

Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us

me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*

dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash

Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad

I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.

Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.

me: *gets something in my eye*

brain: put your finger in there too

Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?

Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U

tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?

me: just draw it

[later watching TV]

commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!

me: motherf

Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this