We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
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I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.