[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
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Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
When it comes to depression, sighs matters
all bases covered
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Wow this person is full of shit, oh I’m on my own page
emergency phone
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
The Onion called it…again.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.