Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.

[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?

Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”

I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice

When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”

Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*

how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”

Getting closure is important.

*lies on bed to zip up jeans*

looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition

Good day meowlady

* tips cat

Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.

Just a bush.

A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.

In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this

My friends are like “don’t settle!” But I can see their husbands

[interview at J Crew]

interviewer: explain this gap on your resume

me: no

interviewer:

me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement

Me too 😆

Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.

[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm

5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?

Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Mom?

Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.

Me: Secretly? No.

I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.

“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb

WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.

My yoga instructor was drunk today.

Put me in a very awkward position.

The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother

there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”

I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam

Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?

Day Two: Murder

Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.