[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
You Might Also Like
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
i feel so bad i refunded him
I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace