Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?

It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.

I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.

I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.

I tested positive for being brown.

Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.

My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.

Um how about you continue to live here?

Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds

Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.

Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?

WAITER: how would you like your eggs

ME: nogged

😂 amazing answer

I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*

math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class

boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school

Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time

The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”

Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”

I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.

My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.

Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.

Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.

Husband: You want to have sex?

Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.

Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.

Me:

Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.

I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.

Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?

Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?

Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck

Me: Fine, don’t tell me.

Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.

Barber: What can I do for you?

Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?

Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?

Me: Can you do it or not?

Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth

*holding a hose*

Husband: What are you doing?

Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.

Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?

Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.