Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.

6 month old baby: ……..

Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.

Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?

Witch: No, I’m making La Croix

Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep

Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth

2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 Single

Reward me for consistency please

I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”

Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby

i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved

HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day

COVID-19: Hold my beer

I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.

I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.

Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.

A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”

1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”

Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.

They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!

-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale

That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.

we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much

Tinder: Meet people within a few miles

Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles

Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.

So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.

If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.

‍‍‍‍ As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”

mom had nothing to worry about

Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]

Buyer message: $50

What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?

I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?

She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time

I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.

If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.