Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”

*watches nature documentary*

*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*

There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.

Him: Are you always this socially awkward?

Me: Only when I’m in my human form.

Him: So always.

Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.

them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz

Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.

“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.

[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.

we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now

Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off

4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy

4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately

This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10

[last supper]

judas: this could’ve been an email

Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe

Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will

The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.

Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.

[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”

[Restaurant]

“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”

Yes please

“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”

I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.

In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.

If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.

I see you like sex.

*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.

well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem

If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men

Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.

Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance

I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!

Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.