Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.

Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.

Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.

Is….Is this an option?

You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge

6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.

Me: What do you have to spell?

6: Words, probably.

I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…

As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.

*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*

First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?

Me: Aww, a bear!

Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.

Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.

Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.

Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’

How wrong was this guy?

Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?

Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?

My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant

Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars

Therapist: That’s unsettling

Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite

whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps

I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”

Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.

[at the gym]

PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?

*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*

ME: totes

Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget

god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation

lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly

god: lol ok

*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..

* whole family gasps while gazing intently*

Me: …so many…DM Rooms

Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.

This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now

Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata

watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence

at least we don’t have to save for college