[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
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Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
This took me a second..
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.