Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.

Faith can move mountains, but cash can move the paperwork.

David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.

Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-

[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender

Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.

CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK

Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.

hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book

A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.

MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said

Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.

Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort

A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

B: You mean a choir?

A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.

“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.

If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?

[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right

I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.

First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face

me after eating Cheetos

If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.

No reason

My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful

me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises

I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?

I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.

DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers

I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.

My appointment is for a colonoscopy.

“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”

-me in every social situation

I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place

rebranding