Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting

The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking

Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*

SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP

Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.

My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.

My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough

This could be us but you eatin’

her: we should get a labrador

me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind

I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.

Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”

Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”

“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it

I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.

When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.

Wife: what’s wrong?

Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought

me: how can I impress my date

friend: take her to your favorite food place

me: ok

[later]
her: that’s was really nice

my mom: you’re welcome

Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.

My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.

Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.

As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.

Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.

“We’d love to hear your feedback about our site!”

I don’t think you will….

So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits

I say yeah I do…

And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀

Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw

*police searching my home

So, the coffin is for Halloween?

Yes. Yes it is.

You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.

If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.

*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR

I thought a man was in my house.

Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.

School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*ruler

School supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggies

Apparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.

Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.

ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died

BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year

ME: yeah she’s a cat

No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.