I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
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Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT