@dannyboy7813

First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.

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@StellaRtwot

I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.

@TheToddWilliams

[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?

@preritpathak

Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like

@MyMomologue

A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.

Step One: Have kids.

@WilliamRodgers

What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…

@tchrquotes

thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT