First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
You Might Also Like
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
the rocks need my help
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
#gardening
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
ok this is my dumbest yet