First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
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Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
cause of death:
autopsy.
#NoRestForTheWicked
If all the prison guards agree to count the inmates, it’s a con census consensus.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer