Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs

ME: in case we get lost

MOM: we’re in an ikea

ME:

MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too

It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.

Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it

“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room

Mongoose is French for “my goose.”

I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.

My dog learned how to text

[Waking up in Heaven]

This is all super nice, but how did I die?

Angel: You died doing what you loved.

Me: intimidating men?

Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you

Me: classic

I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense

I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel

Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell

Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here

“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”

I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.

You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie

Q: “How long were you at your last job?”

A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”

Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.

Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.

If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.

*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS

As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.

Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”

Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.

Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.

Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…

5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad

Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?

Son: No.

Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.

Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!

Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.

Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.

80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.

No

one

yums like Gaston

Eats iced plums like Gaston

Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston