[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
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I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
This was the best day of my life
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*