[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
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me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!