Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.

Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me

Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then

I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.

Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory

No weirdos

I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.

If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”

Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.

Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.

I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child

Californians forget how to drive when it rains

God: send them snow

When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.

Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.

{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?

I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise

*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in

Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?

One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

*teleports two inches to the right*

Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?

Me: my student loans

Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?

A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.

her: what’s your fantasy?

me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me

her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy

me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon

When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.

I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.

Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed

6-year-old: Spill me some milk.

Me: You mean “pour.”

6: Not the way you do it.

Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!

Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire

I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation

Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.

I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.

I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that